Friday, 18 April 2008

Thoughts on Gordon Brown

This... isn't really relevant. I just wanted to pretend Gordon Brown had done something interesting so I could talk about it. But no, he hasn't. He's gone to America, he's spouted a few nice cliches, he just lurves Bush and McCain and Clinton and Obama, he has no opinions that he'll state out loud, and I STILL can't take in a word he says because that man's voice is exactly like the hum of a fridge. I try to listen to him, I really do. I sit in front of the news and I concentrate hard. I take in the first sentence. I'm so pleased that I've taken in the first sentence that I miss the next couple of sentences. Then I realise I've forgotten what the first sentence was. Since he's become Prime Minister, I've tried to listen to numerous speeches he's made, and I've retained two things: "The EU treaty is not a constitution because it specifically says it's not a constitution" (as though that will have any effect on the content, which most people say is essentially the same - I tried to read the proposed constitution when the French were voting on it, planning to do a easy breakdown of it for my website, but they've deliberately made it unreadable. I think I got fifty pages in and went loony. What happened to the notes I made, I've no idea) and, from the other day, "Oh yes, I love American TV." Come on, Gordon, you do not. Unless you mean you love the craftsmanship on the fine American-made TV set in your hotel room.

I have a troubled love for politics. I wish I could be one of those people who think all politicians are the same so it doesn't matter who you vote for. Actually, I kind of do think that. For some reason that makes it worse. It's vital to me that David Cameron never gets within whipping distance of Number 10, even though he'd probably be, for all intents and purposes, exactly the same as Tony Blair. I don't say Brown, because he's a different bucket of aardvarks. I don't hate him as much as Cameron, because Brown actually knows what he's doing. Problem is, I really don't like what he's doing. I've finally worked out why he makes me so uncomfortable: Gordon Brown is an Auditor.

There just aren't enough Pratchett references in political blogging, and I think it's a damn shame, so this is the first of my attempts to correct it. I fully expect to have a lot of explaining to do. Stephen Fry and QI will help me. I love QI. Somewhere in my Top Ten Most Used Phrases is "It's true. Stephen Fry told me." Stephen Fry told me and BBC viewers in general that 90% of the universe is missing. We don't know where it is. It's slightly embarrassing. Terry Pratchett, who is one of the great unacknowledged philosophers of our time (he is. Just because it's funny doesn't mean it should be disregarded) suggests in Thief of Time that "nine-tenths of the universe is the paperwork." Said paperwork is done by the Auditors. The Auditors are basically grey robes, with nothing visible inside the hoods. They have no real voices - should they wish to communicate, the words arrive in the other person's brain without passing through the ears. This is exactly how I feel about Gordon Brown's voice, although I clearly have some sort of reverse Babel fish in my brain which immediately translates everything into intangible nonsense. The Auditors also hate humanity, because humans are irrational and irregular. If they could eliminate humanity, they could get the filing finished.

I would swear that Gordon Brown wishes there were no people in Britain so he can finish the filing. He always seems so affronted when we object to something. Blair would sigh, grit his millions of teeth, and tell us that he understood where we were coming from, but this was very important and we must trust him. And yeah, that was irritating. It's not as irritating as Gordon Brown's "What do you mean, no? You can't say no. I have decreed that this is what will happen. You can't object to it. I'm Gordon Brown. How dare you attempt to disagree with me?" Which, in turn, is less irritating (though scarier) than David Cameron's "You disagree? Oh no! Panic! Well, you're right, of course. Of course you're right, I totally screwed that up. Sorry. We'll try it your way instead!" Repeat ad nauseam when it turns out that not everybody agrees on everything. Dumbass. More about him another time.

Gordon Brown is scary. He's fundamentally scary. His default expression may be, "oh bugger, we're out of loo roll again. Why are we always out of loo roll?" but when he attempts some sort of expression, it always looks like some variant on "man who is going to kill you, probably because he thinks you took his loo roll." His 'happy' face looks like that. His 'angry' face looks like that. His 'neutral but relatable politician' face looks like that, and he's been practicing it a lot the past few days. It doesn't translate well, because Americans don't say 'loo roll'. It was a nice image, him and Bush strolling around together. Bush stole an election, Brown didn't even bother to have an election.

Goddammit, Liberal Democrats, why did you have to draft in Baby Cameron as your leader? Anyone else and you would have had my vote! I'd even have voted for old Ming above Brown and Cameron, and he was a corpse on wheels! Anyone except Baby Cameron! You know I can't support anyone who bears any political resemblance to Cameron! (I'm looking at you, Obama.) Alright, I wouldn't vote for Lembit Opik, but that's because he's shagging a Cheeky Girl and expects us not to laugh. I used to quite like him, but really, a freakishly thin Transylvanian in silver hot pants who was rejected in the first round of Popstars who sang a song called Touch My Bum written by her mother and a twisty-faced Lib Dem obsessed with doom-mongering asteroid theories, and we're not supposed to laugh? He seems to think he's too important to be laughed at. For fuck's sake, Lembit. You're in fucking Britain. One, you're never too important to be laughed at here. Two, you're not actually important at all. Three, it's hilarious! Have some self-awareness, man, yikes. (Sorry.)

Attention anyone who may be reading: For the headline "Thoughts on Gordon Brown", kindly read, "Thoughts on Gordon Brown, David Cameron, Terry Pratchett and his works, Lembit Opik, that whole stupid situation with the Cheeky Girl, and the state of Britain today if politicians forget that their entire purpose is to be criticised and laughed at." Thank you.

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