Ashton Kutcher: Grrrr

Grrrr.

I really hate these articles. Oh, thank you, Ashton Kutcher, for telling me what you don't find attractive in a woman. It's wonderful "advice". No, really:

Tip One: He doesn't like too much perfume. He warns us not to be "that woman", the one who oversprays and chokes you with her scent. Call me crazy, but eight times out of ten, the oversprayer is a man and his Lynx. This is not a 'woman thing'.

Tip Two: Don't say mean things. It's sexy when a woman is nice and quiet and sweet. Bollocks. I don't trust anyone who never says a mean thing.

Tip Three. My absolute favourite - "Dress how you want to be treated. If you show respect for yourself, you will be respected." GAAAAAAHHHHHH. How fucking dare you? If I have a bit of midriff on show, you get to treat me like crap? GAH. Oh, but you still have to look sexy, you don't want to be Hillary Clinton, now, do you? So Tip Three is essentially "Dress exactly the way I want you to dress. Not doing so gives me the right to be a shithole to you."

Tip Four: Don't wear too much expensive jewellery, because it means you're a gold digger. Yeah, Ashton, women don't ever have any money. You tell Demi Moore not to wear expensive jewellery because everyone will think she's sponging off you? Do you? Seriously, what world is he living in? No woman has any money, and all men have loads.

Tip Five: Don't be selfish. "Don't worry about what you are getting; worry about what you're giving." HAH. So what he's saying is, he wants a nice doormat who won't complain if he treats her like crap. Honey, please. Stop worrying about what you're getting out of this relationship. Selfishness is so unattractive.

Tip Six: Don't drop brand names. "Have you ever heard someone say 'Do you like my new Prada sweater?'" Well, no, actually, Ashton. I don't know anyone who can afford Prada sweaters. Get out of Hollywood, man, your brain is melting. As a side note, I was particularly amused by his assertion that "most guys...couldn't pick a pair of Louboutin shoes out of a line-up" because a couple of weeks ago my father, apropos of absolutely nothing, dropped the name into conversation and proceeded to describe the distinguishing mark of a Louboutin shoe. So sucks to you, Ashton. My fifty-six-year-old brain-damaged father can do it.

Articles like this make me want to throw things. Actually, what I really want to do is get on a plane to La-La Land, find Ashton Kutcher (he's probably hanging out with a unicorn or something), go right up to him and scream, "IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU, YOU KNOW! SOMETIMES, WOMEN DO THINGS BECAUSE THEY WANT TO, WITHOUT ANY REFERENCE TO WHETHER OR NOT A MAN WILL FIND THEM ATTRACTIVE! I'LL WEAR WHAT THE FUCK I LIKE, AND IF YOU CHOOSE TO DISRESPECT ME BECAUSE OF IT I'LL KNEE YOU IN THE SOLAR PLEXUS, YOU FUCKING ARSEHOLE!"

Ahem.

Tip Three is the most straight-up offensive, but Tip Five actually frightens me. It reminds me of Buffy, when Warren programmed his Aprilbot to believe that crying is blackmail and good girlfriends don't do it. Everyone has to be selfish. A man who tells his girlfriend, or women in general, not to worry about what they're getting is a misogynistic wanker. It's one of the things on my private 'abusive man' red flag list. And let me tell you, if that one wasn't there, I would be absolutely fucked now. I hate these articles, but just once I'd like to see one that says: "I like difficult women. I like honest, self-aware women who will call me on my bullshit and do whatever the hell they please with reference only to their own moral code. Not to society's, not to mine. I like women who own themselves." Half-formed wish, probably, but I'll continue to keep half an eye out, just in case.